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Remember the Times [Jul. 19th, 2005|09:05 am]
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[mood |groggygroggy]

When I groggily woke up this morning, feeling in a stupor and anxiety ridden, I sat down at the computer and read through old, OLD, emails and documents that I had written. Things that haven't been opened in four, five years. What is sad is that I see the consistent patterns to my relationships, emotions, actions, etc. It seems life is one vicious cycle after another.

The best advice (thanks Geoff) I got last night: "It doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat your meals at home." True dat.



Abstract Thoughts
March 2001


I want to wake up tomorrow and be happy
Asking too much?
Maybe not so uncontrollably depressed
That’s all I need
Just one day
One day where I can see the beauty
Engulfing my world
The beauty I have stared at in repugnant, unwavering disgust for so
many years

Today I rested on my cold front step
Staring out across the frozen snowy field in front of me
A very brisk, beautiful afternoon
Warm for March
Too cold from me
The only warmth coming from the ray of sun
Squeezing itself through the needled tree
Falling across the thickness of my thigh

My mind wandered to abstract places
To the faces of people
As cars rolled past in a hushed moan
Splashing in the puddles of melting snow and ice
A strange bird screamed out its soothsaying
No bother to me
Even the immaculately blue sky and smattering of high white clouds
couldn’t reach me

My mind chattered away with a thousand thoughts at once
Thoughts that yielded nothing but acquiescent arguments with the boots
on my feet
Abstract thought
Sounds of water droplets falling against icicles
Dangling from the eves of my prison
The cold concrete beneath me
Enticed my mind to thoughts of sex
Strangely
(I never understood satisfied people
Or atheists)

My tongue deceived my soul
As silent prayers slipped out of my pursed lips
Floated into the cold air
Escorted by the sweetness of my breath
They seemed to travel only as far
As a broken tree branch
Hanging there for years now
I forget how it was maimed
No matter to me

Squeezing my eyes closed
I felt the summer creeping in
Not the summers of youth
The carefree amazement
Bugs being more valuable than life itself
Now tedious responsibilities kill joy
Money
That murderous bastard
Hopelessly my mind strained to grab hold
Of the fibers woven in my memory
Slipping between my scarred fingers
With each exhalation

I want to wake up tomorrow and be happy
To see all the worlds pieces
God created them for me
I want to wake up
And not hate them all!
I want to wake up tomorrow…
Maybe that is enough
linkReply

Comments:
From: (Anonymous)
2005-07-20 04:22 am (UTC)

Well Well Well

(Link)

So you see... its true. We're supposed to grow up right? Get beyond our teenage emotions and get to a place where we have more than just what we felt when we were 16. Because life isn't supposed to be some sick cylical journey that we keep taking over and over again until we explode. But the truth is... whether you see yourself repeating patterns or not doesn't matter. Because we have grown up. YOU have grown up and you approach the problems or feelings or emotions or situations, however related they may be in a way that is more grown up. Everything problem is a love problem, a relationship problem, and no matter how old we get, they're going to seem similar. But we are not the same and so our problems are never the same.

"That's life. If nothing else it's real. And sometimes it fucking hurts. But well, its sort of all we have."